9 Years

9 Years

I haven’t accepted surrender but sometimes I don’t fight it
Please stop telling me tomorrow is going to be alright
I’m a soft voice in a loud place, a not so friendly face
Impolite but kind, faced with another lonely night

I read like an open book without the benefit of chapters
One big mess, neatly organized in distress
I don’t know any other way; this is who I’ve become
Confused but all knowing, walking in place but always growing

They say I feel too much but my hands have gone numb

Looking for chemistry, struggling with my history
Despite the lengthy drought, I won’t back down.
I still dream when I’m awake, I won’t settle for fakes
I have the directions but I still take the long way around

They say when you’re not looking for something you’ll find it
But in this specific quest a one track mind leaves me blinded
I want to learn the art of fighting without fighting
Right after I master the art of poetry without writing

Nights are hard to face when I can’t have what I want
I walk into walls when I try to walk through them
I close my eyes and then it’s no surprise: I fall too hard then I fall apart
All the things I could have been, I’ve never been so how could I be a has been?

I want her, she wants him, she wants me, I can’t see
I extend my hand and get the boot
There’s too many reasons why I wanna be an old fashioned guy
But these hipster girls are so damn cute

The days move faster, the weeks get greyer
The idea of intimacy soothes and scares me
Because it’s been too long since I let someone through
Disappointment is a fact of life when you choose 1 over 2

Watching people make upgrades, my thoughts feel betrayed
Missing out on moments, choking on irrational fears
Every potential fling ends the same, and there’s no one left to blame
Because this temporary thing’s been going on 9 years

I don’t think you’ll ever find yourself poor by giving
And I don’t think you can live your life without deciding on living
So maybe it’s the surrender that has to go
My standards have never been low
but my patience is wearing thin
Maybe it’s time to put away my pride
and finally let the love in